Nearness of the sea
by jeannedark
Summary: Sarah Williams is a young girl, married with the great shipbuilder Thomas Andrews. Some find their relationship bit odd, due to the age difference...It's a story about love, which might be lost in the sea, but still will remain.
1. Chapter I

Authors note: I do not own the Titanic and other characters used here, except Sarah Andrews(neé Williams ) and Ida Gray, they are created by me. This fanfiction is mostly built on the movie by Paramount Pictures and Twentieth Century Fox, but also the real story behind Titanic (most important!), Encyclopedia Titanica for the information(and being so great site) and Victor Garber for being such good at portrain Thomas Andrews - he and the Titanic are the main reasons why I wrote this.  
This is my first fanfiction ever, please remember that fact and also, that my everyday language is not english. And Reviews are more than welcome!

**Chapter I**  
Before the beginning

Happiness flew inside me, it was in every inch of my body. I was standing there, in that white room. My eyes were looking down to the street below from an hotel window.  
The city street was full of people, who were ignoring the rain. 

I watched the raindrops silently falling against the window edge. It was the beginning of April, the spring seemed to be near, already there were no signs of snow. But the wind was cold; cold as ice.

Some months ago, I was sure, that the life was over for me - there were nothing to hope, nothing to hold on to. But the life does some funny things, like for example, makes 190 degree changes. I believe - the faith is always somewhere out there, it is just looking for it's time to come.

I felt the gold ring band around my finger. I was married with the most wonderful man alive.

I couldn't bear a thought losing him...  



	2. Chapter II

**Chapter II**

It was the grandest thing I had ever laid my eyes on. If you were in India, oh god, it would have still been possible, you to notice the ship. How many hearts this ship is going to win, I thought, you just cannot do nothing else to fall into it. Right starting from the bow until the very end of the stern. He had put his heart, hands, his soul into her. It was her maiden voyage. _Titanic_ seemed to know that, since she was standing like a queen, letting everyone admire her.

I was making my way through the crowd, some point I was afraid that this ship might leave without me, but then again I was completely overworring. It just had would been a catastrophe, since I had waited this trip so long.

In fact, I wasn't alone, miss Edith Corse Evans was also with me. She was wonderful person, all kind and generous. We had met just some weeks before the voyage.

"So here it is," said Edith, lifting her hand to her face to cover it from sun, "You must be proud, men with these kind of dreams, well, you just do not meet often, Sarah."

Yes, you know now, my name is Sarah...and I was proud, I was more than that. The proud feeling would have been best described better, as the feeling of endless happiness. The day, when he crossed his path with mine - that was the day of miracles. A miracle that can happen only once.

Thinking back to old times, nothing really came to me, then just some useless memories. How I where an hopeless child with broken illusion in my very own head. This were the times, when cold was even colder.

Back to reality, I found myself standing and just watching the grand ship again, noticing nothing else around it. Edith, once again brought me back to reality with her nice soft voice calling out " It is time to go, dear...we do not want to miss the boat, don't we now". From that second, I started to move quite fast forward the ship. In fact, I was hurrying like insane.

"Now, where's the rush...I sure didn't meant that quick," said Edith with a small smile back in her face.

"Oh, I am sorry, it's just I have never been in a large ship like this one before...the excitement is taking hold on me," I answered quickly, still looking only at the ship.

We went through the entrance, which was for the first class passingers only. Just some deck below, last third class passingers where being loaded on the ship. I would have not cared less, which entrance I was using.

I guess we where among the last ones, who where loaded into the ship.

Finally, we had landed ourselves on the _Titanic_. It was good to feel the wooden floor under my feet, which belong to that ship...and to that ship only.

Once we were on board, we heard people cheering and claping their hands even harder. The largest noise came from the people aboard. It was clear, that in some point more than others, they were happy about their kind future. Especially the third class. Their heads were filled with dreams, even the wildest ones seemed to be clearer now. 

All people where waving, the ones on the ship and the ones on the bare ground. There were families saying goodbye, everyone hoping to return with a better life.

I had never heard people filled with such hope and cheer.   



	3. Chapter III

**Chapter III**

When the ship had left the port, and the land was already some miles away, everyone started to look around in search for their cabins. The ship was also known for it's luxury, and it was meant for everyone, no matter what class you were in. Although, it was obvious, that third class passingers weren't able to enjoy half of the luxury that was meant for the first class passingers. But the border-line between rich and poor people in this ship seemed to be smaller.

Me and Edith, we both walked around the decks and just enjoyed the sight, no words can't descibe it. We were blowen away - by the wind and by the beauty of the ship. I totally forgot everything else.

"Sarah"  
  
Suddenly, a voice hit me back to reality, the soft and caring voice. "What on earth you are doing in this cold wind?" he said, voice filled with worry.

"And it's nice to see you too again, Thomas," I replied, trying to keep my serious face, but with no use.

"I am sorry, it's just that, this situation of yours keeps me worring all the time," he said, eyes full of worry again. 

"Who is this dear miss?" he asked looking at Edith.

"Thomas, this is my dear friend, miss Edith Corse Evans, and it's her first time also on a ship, grand as this one," I said with a little tone of proudness in my voice. "It is more than pleasure meeting you, sir Thomas Andrews...I have heard a lot about you, and trust me, it says only good", said Edith, reaching her hand toward Thomas.

"A pleasure is all mine" he said, while shaking her hand.

After an brief silent moment, Thomas said in his gentle voice "We'd better go and find our cabins, it is getting quite cold", and once he had laid his eyes into mine, he said "This goes especially for you, Sarah".

So we left the B-deck behind and headed for the A -deck in search of our cabin. I found out that Edith's was on the same deck as ours. She though about little rest before the dinner and she went to her cabin, leaving us behind.

"Found, here it is, cabin A-36... I beg you to enter mrs. Andrews," said Thomas, and we both were smiling at each other. The way he said the last part was quite amusing.

The cabin was above beautiful, comfortable and warm. The same warm, which I so much loved; the same warm that he always carried with himself. The ship seemed to me as dear as the man who stood behind me. When I was in the ship, or outside the ship, just looking at her, I could still feel his present, althought he might had not been there with me in that right instant.


	4. Chapter IV

**Chapter IV**

Time flies sometimes like a wild bird..._forgive me my words, 'cause words too empty to describe nature's beauty.  
  
_It was time for dinner._  
  
_The dining room was the largest one ever cast on any other ship. The walls were peanut white and the furniture was made of oak.  
People were dressed elegantly, it seemed that the dinner was very formal event for everyone.

I was wearing my favorite sea-blue dining gown, I liked especially it's color...I felt that way closer to the sea - In fact, I loved the nearness of the sea.   
Also, I tried to hid myself into that gown; I didn't want them to know.

Then, at the table, I found myself sitting next to a beautiful lady; Thomas was sitting on the right. All of them were chatting, laughing; everyone seemed quite happy; and why shouldn't they, they were on aboard of the greatest ship alive.

"Good evening," said the women next to me. "I'm Bessie Allison...nice meeting you".

"My name is Sarah Williams...I mean Andrews...and it's nice to meet you too".

"Andrews? This means you are related to the great shipbuilder, who is sitting next to you?"

Thomas heard our little conversation and nodded " Well actually, we are related, mrs. Allison, we are quite close...she is my wife", he said with his always calm voice, looking forward me, smile on his face.

"You two must be very glad; especially when there is child on it's way," said Bessie, her face showing only what she meant.

"We are, happier than ever..thank you," I said back to her.

I noticed one man, with black moustaches, looking at Thomas. He was between an little conversation. It was Bruce Ismay, the owner of the ship, but for sure...he had came up with the idea and the name, but this fact didn't built the ship...only very devoted hands had made it that far.

"...and our master shipbuilder, Mr. Andrews here, designed her from the keel plates up," said Ismay. It seemed that Thomas wasn't really fond of the attention he was suddenly having.

"Well, I may have knocked her together, but the idea was Mr. Ismay's. He envisioned a steamer so grand in scale, and so luxurious in its appointments, that its supremacy would never be challenged. And here she is", said Thomas and then slapped the table..."willed into solid reality".

I had seen the hours and the work he had done...he had made it all, not Ismay; yet he was so selfless.

The band was playing silent music now, it seemed to be even like a lullaby. I absolutely adored the _Titanic_ band. It was an eight-man band led by the violinist Wallace Hartley. 

The music was heartbreakingly good.

Thomas stood up and gave his hand to help me out of the chair. We wished everyone good evening, mrs. Allison had already left and in some strange point I didn't noticed Edith. I was quite worried about her.

"Thomas, I think I might go and see is Edith alright, she didn't show up for the dinner...," I said. His eyes were full on understanding "May I direct you?"he asked. "No, thank you, but I am pretty sure that I will find her cabin." I let my hand fell out his warm palm and gone I was.

I passed the grand staircase...there was cabin A-31...and cabin A-29 - that was it! I took small steps closer to the door, knocked on it couple of times, but there were no answer. No one weren't there.  



	5. Chapter V

**Chapter V**

Thomas was reaching over his desk, huge blueprints covering the tabel. After some seconds he had noticed my return and looked forward the door.

"Is everything all right?"he asked me. "She weren't in her room...I guess she is just taking a walk, I wouldn't pass my chance either to see the ship," I said.  
"I am sure she will be all right," said Thomas, once again telling me not to worry.

He came closer and gave me his helping hand removing the coat off of my shoulders. "Thomas, I was thinking about a little walk around the boat, maybe tomorrow?" 

"In fact, I was thinking about that too, you have sense my thoughts," he answered.

I felt his breathing on my back. It was like timeless moment...  
_Yet so fast to pass. _  
--------  


Without no will to rest, I decided to go out. I felt how the sea was calling me.   
  
I was silent with my steps - didn't want to wake him.

I hurried to the B-deck. It was almost mid-night, the stars shone above and the sea was restless. I leaned over the railing, just to see the cold sea bursting against the ship. The water was freezingly cold, there was no doubt about that. 

I remembered a dream that I once had, with sea and water resting above me..._I had sank._

"Excuse me...Are you Sarah Andrews?" I heard suddenly someone asking.

"Yes I am...is there something wrong?" I asked.

"Miss Edith Evans sent me," she replied. "Is everything well with her....where is she"? I asked.

"Yes, she's well, but she was worried about you," she said.

"About me...?" I asked.

"She didn't show up for the dinner...and she wanted to say not to worry, she just feels bit ill," she replied. " The time telling you all this might not be very proper, but I saw you here and thought you should know."

"Do you know where she is?" I asked.

"Yes, she is in her cabin...by the way, my name is Ida and it's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too, Ida" ...._Ida_, the name seemed very familiar and also her face...and then I realized. "Correct me if I am wrong, but are you Ida Gray?"

"Yes, in fact, I am...how did you know?" she asked.

She was a young servant, though, bit older than me. I remembered her from the Parkinson family house, I worked there when I was fifteen or so. We were good friends, and now, on board of _R.S.M Titanic_, we hadn't even regonized each other.

"Don't you remember me anymore, we worked together in the Parkinson's house," I said then looked into her face to see if she will regonize me.

She looked me from the ground to the very top of my head, I guessed I was chanced a bit; my hair weren't that short anymore... and I wasn't that child anymore.

"Oh, now I remember, Sarah, of course, but you are chanced...is that a wedding band around your finger?" ..."Yes, that is", I replied.

"It's so nice to see you again," she reached out to hug me, then realized that something was between us. "I'm sorry, I didn't knew you were with a..."  
"Don't be sorry...I have been thinking about you a lot, but didn't knew where to find you."  
  
"Come on, let's take a walk!"  



	6. Chapter VI

**Chapter VI**

_I do not wish the night to end...the night was my home, my peace._ Since I was very tired, only these kind of thoughts came to me.

Thomas was long gone, but his little notebook was lying on the table beside the bed. It was the same notebook he was always carrying with him.

Then I heard someone opening the corridor door, then made it's way into bedroom. It was Thomas.

"Good morning, Sarah...did I woke you up?" he asked. "No, I was already up," I replied.  
  
He sat to the bed side, looking me with his meltingly warm eyes. " I am very glad that I have you", he said, pressing my hands into his. "No, I am the one who should be glad", I said, almost whispering the last part.

Our lips touched, just for a brief seconds...then they were separated again. 

I was gazing into his deep eyes; his nearness made me shook.

I felt how he put his hands around my arms; lips touched again, this time they were dealing with a madness. I almost felt his racing heart against my chest. 

His fingers were unbuttoning my nightgown; my eyes gazed a painting on the wall.

Tears, wet and warm, were running down on my face...they were the tears of bliss. He was my ain true love.  
--------  
  
_"My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees - my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath - a source of little visible delight, but necessary. __He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."_  
  
"What are you reading, " Ida asked, while we were sitting in the B-deck, the next day.  
  
"It's a book called Wuthering Heights, remember?" I replied.  
  
"Yes, Emily Bronte, now I remember....you are still carrying it with you?"  
  
"As you can see."  
--------  
  
One day passed so quickly.

Walking along the deck, with Thomas, my dear friend Edith, Bessie Allison and first officer William Murdoch. 

"Mr. Andrews, I did the sum in my head, and with the number of lifeboats times the capacity you mentioned... forgive me, but it seems that there are not enough for everyone aboard , " asked Edith after an brief silent moment.

"That's a good quastion indeed, but I know that Thomas had already thought about that too," said mr. Murdoch.

"About half, actually. You miss nothing, do you? In fact, I put in these new type davits, which can take an extra row of boats here." said Thomas lowering his voice.  
"But it was thought... by some... that the deck would look too cluttered. So I was over-ruled."  
  
"To not forget, after all, we are dealing with an unsinkable ship here," said Bessie (she obviosly didn't understood the need to have more lifeboats).

"Please, ma'am, the unsinkable part is just something that media loves...," said Murdoch, not agreeing with mrs. Allison.

"I agree with you, mr. Murdoch...but also, this ship is miracle - there is none like her." I said, looking around the deck.  
  
"Please keep heading up, the next stop would be the engines room." said Thomas.  


I was walking behind others, when suddenly I felt how someone's soft hand captured my arm, telling me to turn. I was suprised when I saw that the hand belonged to Ida. Her dress was bit blur and her eyes were misty..._where has she been?_  
  
She knew what I was going to ask. "Sarah, you have no clue where I have been these couple of days...my world has turned itself upside down," she said. 

I barely regonized her. In that moment she wasn't that always so calm and composed lady...she was anxious and feverish. Her words came right from that shivering heart.

"I met someone very special, we are thinking about landing together when we reach to New York. Sarah, my happiness is not for the words to describe."  
  
"Well...then I am happy with you, it's just that I have never seen you like this before."

"Please, do not tell to none what I told you, even not to Edith...I am staying in the third class; I love staying in the third class....I will be meeting you soon". And gone she was again.  
  
She had been like a sea wave against my face...she even didn't gave me a chance to ask more.  
--------  
  
Back in the cabin...I was still thinking about her.  
  
The evening sun made it's way over the ship. The wind was getting colder. Thomas had just returned from his walk around the ship. He was again holding the little notebook and writing something into it. I was standing in the privat deck area, looking at the sea..._the sea would be my soul; I would be adrifting in the ocean so wide._

Thomas stood behind me; then leaned against the reiling; looking at me, trying to sense my thoughts." What you are thinking about?" he asked.

"About the sea...the same old sea beneath us," I answered.

Once again he was looking at his notebook and obviously trying to remember something. The notebook was filled with little notes, writings...and also an little ship figure; it looked old, but still well-kept.

He finally found what he was looking for; he held the little wooden ship figure in his hand...looking at it, as his face showed reflection of memories.

"I had it when I was three years old, it was a birthday gift; it brings luck," he said, holding it silently.

"It looks very real, I can even see the tiniest details on it," I said, looking at this piece of art.

"Sarah, I'll give it to you, I don't need it anymore," he said with a smile.

"But this is your lucky item, you cannot give it so easily away; I insist you to keep it".

"Sarah...but I am quite older than you, my life isn't that long anymore", he said.

"You mustn't talk like that".

"Forgive me, please take it", and he pressed it into my hand. I took it and holded for some time. 

He returned to his work.  



	7. Chapter VII

**Chapter VII**  
  
  
We had been walking for hours, I thought, but still we weren't bored.

Ida's hands were blue, because of the cold wind...but she refused to leave.

"Are you still thinking about landing with that man when we reach to New York; it's not that I would be against it or anything." I asked, cutting the silents.

"Yes, I am...but I'm afraid - I try so hard not to let everyone's opinions hurt me, but still." she said.

"Then don't let them hurt you...if you love this man," I said, "what Edith thinks about that?"

"Yes, well...she is even too kind to me," she replied.

Although Ida was a generous and caring person, she sure wasn't the type to make this kind of sudden decisions.  
--------

It was evening. I wanted to see the sun as it was setting into the ocean. 

I walked to the bow. The wind blew through me, it was an unforgetable feeling, the feeling like flying above the ocean so deep.

Then, with no expectations to meet someone there...still, someone was there. That someone took my hand and whispered: "Sarah, don't you remember what I told you about wind, cold as this one."

"Excuse me sir, but I intend to ignore the wind this time." I said to that someone behind me, knowing it was Thomas.  
  
It was the last time _Titanic_ ever saw daylight.  
--------

Back in the A-deck I saw Edith leaning against the railing.

"Good evening," I said.

She turned to me with a smile. " Sarah, so good to see you here...is everything alright?"

"Yes, everything is fine...but how about you, did you got your health back?"  
  
She smiled, no trace of any sickness, what so ever. "I'm quite fine now...no worrying...so you met my maid, Ida, she is a wonderful girl and she told me you two were once good friends, is that so?" she asked.  
  
"Yes, that's true...but do you know where she is now?"  
  
"I'm sorry, but unfortunately I cannot tell you where she is. She left in the morning and didn't say anything."  
--------  
  
I rushed to the third class section, knowing that something could be wrong. I didn't had even a tiniest clue, where to find her. I just walked.

But when I reached almost into the third class dining room, I heard and also saw, how two officers and a woman came along the corridor. I couldn't believe my eyes - it was her. But what were these officers doing, walking next to her like that.

"Ida?" I shouted, running forward her and trying to understood something about the situation.

"Please, miss, this woman has done something really bad," said one of the officers.

"What?! This woman won't even hurt a fly," I said.

"She didn't hurt anyone, she stoled something."

"That's not true," I said, feeling how my face was burning and the anger growing inside me.

"Please, Sarah," finally she said something, and then turned to the officers. "Could we, at least, have chance to talk for some seconds?"

Then she turned to me; we got some distance from the officers and she began to talk with quiet words. "Don't be mad at me, Sarah, I had to do it - there was no other way to get out of it." I was confused, there was no possible way she had done something like that. And then, something just exploded.

"You took his blame, you took that man's blame!" I said, trying not to shout.

"No Sarah, don't took it like this...I just...I just had to help him," she said; I was even more confused about her calmness. 

"This man is just using you, you must be mad to still love him," I said.

"Using me...don't say that. You don't know nothing about him," she said as her voice grew louder. "And that Andrews of yours...how do you know he is not just using you?"

Her rudeness just broke something inside me; friends don't hurt each other like that; I was just trying to help her and she stabbed me into the heart. 

"Well, then... I can see that my help is not needed anymore," I said with a shivering voice and turned around to walk away. 

I was not really over it, even when some hours had passed; I started feeling quilty for some reason; maybe I should have helped her. But my heart was still bounding when I thought about the things she said. I knew it wasn't right, but still....those kind of things just stay.

I was thinking about my own little thoughts that I haven't even noticed how Thomas rushed into the room and grabbed his blueprints. Suddenly I woke up from my thoughts.

"Is something wrong?" I asked.

"Sarah, dear, please but on your lifebelt and go to the boat deck!" he said.

"But why?" I said and an awful thought came to me, no it couldn't be, it just wasn't possible. "Is the ship sinking," I asked, almost whispering the last part.

"We got hit by an iceberg, it just happened. It all was just so sudden. Sarah, you need to do what I told you," he said.   
  
"No, I am coming with you...I want to know the real situation; I must stay with you," I replied.

"Alright then, but please, put on a lifebelt just for your safety."  
  
And so I did.  


We rushed across the deck.

When we got to the chartroom I noticed there many crew members, including Captain Smith, Ismay and also William Murdoch.

Thomas unrolled the huge blueprints over the table.

"When can we get underway, do you think?" asked Ismey, but noone paid any attention to his question.

"Water 14 feet above the keel in ten minutes... in the forepeak... in all three holds... and in boiler room six." said Thomas, while pointing at the ship drawing with his shaking hands.

"That's right," said one of the officer, mr. Lightholler.

"Five compartments. She can stay afloat with the first four compartments breached. But not five. Not five. As she goes down by the head the water will spill over the tops of the bulkheads... at E Deck... from one to the next... back and back. There's no stopping it." said Thomas.

"The pumps--?", asked Smith.

"The pumps buy you time... but minutes only. From this moment, no matter what we do, Titanic will founder," said Thomas, looking at Smith with his desperate eyes.

"But this ship can't sink!" said Ismay not really understanding the situation.

"She is made of iron, sir. I assure you, she can. And she will. It is a mathematical certainty."  
  
"How much time? " Captain Smith asked.  
  
"An hour, two at most." Thomas replied.

I remember the way Ismay eyes turned down; his illusions of the unsinkable ship seemed to vanish.

"And how many aboard, Mr. Murdoch? " asked Smith, turning to first officer.

"Two thousand two hundred souls aboard, sir," said Murdoch, holding back his tears.

"I believe you may get your headlines, Mr. Ismay, " said Smith, looking at Ismay.  



	8. Chapter VIII

**Chapter VIII**

When we got back to the boat deck everything seemed oddly quiet. Only crew members were fumbling with the davits. Thomas yelled over the roar of the steam to First Officer Murdoch.

"Where are all the passengers?"

"They've all gone back inside. Too damn cold and noisy for them," Murdoch replied.

Thomas was clearly stunned; his eyes glazed as glass.   
  
"Do not worry, we will get them out," I said, trying to comfort him a bit.

The first class passingers were all gathered near the Grand staircase.

The band was playing in the first class lounge. They were playing this happy music; no wonder people weren't worried at all.

The Grand staircase glazed in it's beauty. Then someone turned to Thomas, obviously wanting to know something about the situation. It was Edith.

"I saw the iceberg, Mr. Andrews. And I see it in your eyes. Please tell me the truth," she asked.

"The ship will sink," Thomas replied.

"You're certain?"

"Yes. In an hour or so... all this... will be at the bottom of the Atlantic," he said, his eyes showed nothing but deep sorrow.

Bessie Allison had heard the last part has she was coming down the staircase. They both looked horrofied.

"Please tell only who you must, I don't want to be responsible for a panic. And get to a boat quickly. Don't wait. You remember what I told you about the boats?" he said.

"Yes, I understand. Thank you," then she turned to me:" Sarah, are you coming with us to the lifeboats?"

"No, I can't I must stay; I will join with you later," I replied.

"Sarah, you must go, you cannot stay." said Thomas and I knew it would be useless to argue with him.

So we went to the boat deck, while the band began it's first song on the deck.  
They started to put the women and children into the boats...

"Mr. Lightoller, could you help these ladies into the boat." Thomas said and gave me his hand, obviously wanting to say goodbye.

"Sarah, you must understand, I can't come with you...this ship is like a child to me," he said.

I realized how hopeless the situation was. Titanic was sinking, Thomas wouldn't leave the ship in no chance. I had lost him.

He kissed me on the forehead and before I even noticed, someone had put me into the lifeboat.

They began to lower the boat. Officer Lightoller was giving orders and the boat was making it's way down to the sea.

Thomas was looking from above, down to me. His eyes were unbearable sad. I felt my heart, screaming inside.

Tears were pouring down on my face; I was still looking at him. The rest of the world passed away, I didn't even noticed the rockets above our heads.

The pain inside was getting louder, I couldn't bore it anymore.

I jumped off of my seat, reached out the ganwale, glimbed out of the boat to the rail of the A-deck...and then, over the rail.   
  
I was back on _Titanic_.  



	9. Chapter IX

**Chapter IX**

I remember running, running as fast as I could...back to the boat deck; _back to him._

"Why did you do it...have you lost your mind, " Thomas tried to preach with me, because of my deed. But he was too tired and his voice begun to lower, until he almost whispered those words.   
  
"No...I will lose it if I go, " I replied.

He took my hands; his tired head fell against mine.

We stood there, in the middle of the people; the panic was growing with every second.

Suddenly I thought about Ida; there was no hope for her...she must be trapped in somewhere.

"Thomas," I said as my head was getting bit clearer. "Where would the Master at Arms take someone under arrest?"

"What?" he said. "Why you are asking this?"

"I'm afraid that I don't have time to explain; please tell me," I begged him.

"Take the elevator to the very bottom, go left, down the crewman's passage, then make a right," he directed. "But, Sarah, I won't let you go alone, in fact I must be crazy to let you do all this."

"Mr. Murdoch, please go with Sarah," he said turning to first officer Murdoch.

"No, I won't allow it...your help is needed here and I will be fine, mr. Murcoch, Thomas," I said, pressing Thomas' hands once more. "I'm sorry, I have to do it".

"Please, hurry," he shouted after me.

Rushing back to the first class corridor and then looking for elevator. Then I noticed one, but the the operator was already closing the doors.

"Please, take me to E-deck," I said.

"I'm sorry, but lifts are closed, " he answered.

"You don't understand...I must get to the E-deck; with or without your help, but without it will take longer."

"Allright, but please miss, make it quick."

I saw decks going past as the elevator made it's way to the E-deck. Then it stopped. A cold line ran across me; the cold ice water was swirling into the elevator. One moment of hesitation..._should I go back or stay?_

I decided to stay and find Ida. So I pulled the door open and rushed into the cold water, hiking up the floor-lenght dress.  
  
"Miss, I wouldn't go if I were you," the operator yelled with deeply scared voice.  


Then, he closed the elevator's doors and started to go back to the upper deck. I screamed him to stay, but he didn't heard me anymore; the fear had taken hold on everyone.

Walking through the third class corridor; seeing all this - the water, coldness. People's luggages, packs were lying on the floors. Many of third class passingers grabbed their personal things, but later had abandoned them. They didn't wanted to leave their things behind; but they left their lifes.

After some time walking, just right ahead was a door and behind it people, screaming to get out. Two stewards were holding them back, telling not to worry.

"You have to wait," said one of the stewards. And then someone screamed "We are waiting our death, if we stay here."

"Ida," I screamed, hoping she will be in the crowd. And just when I had stopped hoping, someone reach out a hand to hold the doors grating. It was her.

"Sarah, I am so sorry, that I said like that...can you forgive me," she asked.

"I am so happy to see you again...I forgive you hundred times," I said. "But now we have to get to the boat deck," then I turned to the stewards. "Please let them out, if they stay, then they are going to die."

The steward searched for the keys. "Only women and children...no men." The steward opened the door; Ida took my hand and we ran as fast as we could. The water was getting higher, the cold and freezing water. We wondered around for too long, when, at last we found our way back to the boat deck.

I saw Thomas talking with officer Lightoller.

"Why are the boats being launched half full?!" he asked.

"Not now, Mr. Andrews," the officer answered.

"There, look... twenty or so in a boat built for sixty five. And I saw one boat with only twelve. Twelve!" he said, while he was pointing down to the sea.

"Well... we were not sure of the weight-- these boats may sink," said Lightoller.

"Rubbish! They were tested in Belfast with the weight of 70 men. Now fill these boats, Mr. Lightoller. For God's sake, man!" said Thomas.

"Please, I need more women and childer here," Lightoller yelled, telling people to come closer.

I turned to Thomas. "I found my friend, she needs to get into a lifeboat".

"Sarah, thank god you are back...quick get into the boat."

"Thomas, I am staying...only Ida....." I turned to look at her, but she was gone. "Ida," I screamed. _Where she had gone?_

"I'll be right back," I said, looking at Thomas.

I searched her from everywhere; I went back to the steerage corridors, wondered in the cold water - _she was gone._  
_  
Why she gave up...did she wanted to die?_  
--------  
  
When I finally returned to the boat deck, the panic was serious than ever.  
  
All the lifeboats were gone.  



	10. Chapter X

**Chapter X**

Band played the last song..._Nearer my God to Thee_...

_RMS Titanic_ had her final minutes.  
  
One thought crossed my mind -_ I had to find him_.

I was running like a mad person across the deck, trying to make my way through the hysterically screaming people.

I stopped one steward and asked him about Thomas. "Have you seen mr. Andrews?"

The steward was panicing, but he managed to tell me, that he had seen Thomas lastly in the first class smoking room. I thanked him and rushed away.

I reached the first class dining room, then to the Grand staircase. Some people there, dressed in their best clothes, waiting for death to take them away. I was more scared than ever...

I opened the door, which led to the smoking room. There he was; standing in front of the fireplace and looking at the painting above the mantle. His lifebelt was lying on a table near by.  
  
"Thomas," I tried to speak, but my mouth was try. I felt like being in a bad dream - I wanted to scream, but not a word came out.

He took out his pocketwatch and checked the time, then opened the face of a mantle clock and adjusted it to the correct time, it showed 2:12 a.m.

My heart was bleading.

He had noticed me; he looked right inside me, with his eyes so sad.

"I'm sorry that I didn't build you a stronger ship," he said.

"Please, do not blame yourself," I said as I finally got my voice back.

We sat on the sofa near by; the time had come to say goodbyes...the time, which I had feared so much.

The heart was beading, hysterically inside. I couldn't hold my tears back any longer. They were falling down on my face as I was kneeling front of him; and holding his hands.

"There will be no life for me without you... do not ask me to leave," I begged him.

He helped me up and we just stood there. He seemed desperate. I cannot describe the way he looked at me; the way his eyes showed all the feelings he had inside in that very moment.

"Please, do not make it any harder," he said....and then looked at my soaked clothes. "You must be freezing."

I hadn't noticed before, that I was wearing only the ocean-blue evening gown, which seemed to be no gown anymore.

He took off his coat and put it on my shoulders. I felt his warmness. The same warm kept me alive.  
  
Then, he held his hand over my stomach, in the same time looking right into my eyes whispering. "You have to live."  
Our precious moments together were passing. His embrace was something that I wanted to hold on to forever. His breathing...so deep and in the same time, so restless.

I pressed my lips against his mouth...I was letting go my _life_, my _soul_. 

"I wish I could stay," I said quietly.  
"Sarah, we will meet again...in our hearts at least," he said, trying to hold back his tears. "You must go now."

I didn't told him that there weren't any lifeboats left; I didn't want him to worry about me.

I held him one last time.

His face, the way he looked at me in this final hour, as I was leaving him behind. He stood there, in front of the fireplace.

I wanted to go back, I wanted to stay with him...not to die, but to live. But then his words rushed through my mind, I couldn't betray him - he wanted me to live.

No words cannot describe the pain...the sorrow of that moment.

_"You'll be safe in here....in here, in my heart"_ - these were my final words to him.  
--------

The world around me was spinning, everything seemed so surreal. _One moment and I might fall and stay_, I said to myself.

I didn't heard the music anymore.

The stern was rising fast. People were screaming, jumping off of the ship; some running to the very end of the ship.

I thought, now or never...

I pressed his coat tightly around myself and jumped into the cold water. I needed to swim. One lifeboat was still pretty near; I knew, that I was going to make it. So I swam, with all my strenght. I found an piece of wood, flooding near by; I rested on it, since my body, all of a sudden, refused to move.

But the screams behind me, were killing even more than the cold water. I knew, that any minute and _Titanic_...is in the bottom of the Atlantic...taking human souls with her, and I was quite sure that I am going to be one of them.

Something exploded and the lights went down. It was an horrible sight; it will stay in my mind...forever.

_Titanic_ was gone.

People were screaming, crying for help, begging the boats to come back; they didn't return....only one came back.

Minutes had passed, I was still drifting on the wooden piece. Everything around was strangly quiet..._they had given up._

I was almost dead; my hair were frozen...I couldn't move a muscle. Then, I saw a light, an heavenly light coming towards me.

Someone was yelling, looking for survivors.  
  
"Is anybody here?" the voice cried out.

I don't remember, how I got into that boat...but I remember lying in it; someone had put a blanket over me.  
I pressed Thomas' coat tightly around myself....I almost felt, _how warm it once was._

Holding the little ship figure in my hand, which he had gave me.

_He was gone._

_But the nearness of the sea remained._

  
END  



End file.
